It was the day after the sixth anniversary of my mother's death, and I had the world's worst anxiety attack. It was so bad that my father had to come and take me to the ER to get me checked over because I refused to leave my apartment in fear that something bad would happen. They drugged me up good and proper to get me through the night and referred me to the mental health clinic in town. 24 hours later I was officially diagnosed as mentally ill with severe GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), Social Anxiety, and Depression.
For the next 3.5 months, I was a little bit better, but even the medications I was on weren't helping me truly relax. It also didn't help that I kept trying to date men who bolted out the door when I would mention my diagnoses. Then in January of 2016 at the coaxing of a friend I joined Fetlife and discovered the wonderful world of Littles and DD/lg. As I researched every bit of info I could about Littles, light bulb after light bulb kept popping up over my head. This is me... I would utter over and over again, why did I never see it before?
Within a week of discovering Littledom, I went out and bought my first pacifier, a pink stuffie penguin that I named Nippy, and a sippy cup. Then since I didn't have a Daddy yet, I would just sit in front of the TV and have little space by myself. It made me more relaxed than anything else I had tried and it was amazing. I thought that if Little Space helped me, surely finding a Daddy would help even more. I yearned for someone to take care of me and not shy away because of my mental illnesses and I just knew that if I could find the right one
Flash forward through several fake daddies, lots of questioning my choices, tears, and over a year later and we've arrived in the present where I am the healthiest I've been mentally in a long time because I am now in a position to not only be in Little Space, but with a wonderful man who I am extremely lucky to call my Daddy as well as my husband.
Now, what does that lengthy backstory/introduction have to do with using Little Space to combat mental illness? It has several things actually:
- Little Space is an escape. One of the most relaxing things about Little Space is the joy of dropping and ignoring all things adulty, and getting in touch with your childish side for a while. There are no such things as bills, jobs, house payments, and medical bills in little space, all there is is a sea of crayons, pacis, Disney movies, sippy cups full of our favorite juice, and our favorite toys and stuffies. Having this escape on an almost daily basis helps me cope with all of the triggers adult life can cause because I know I can pop my favorite pacifier in my mouth at the end of the day.
- Little Space with a caregiver gives a sense of safety. One of my biggest problems connected with my Mental Illnesses is not feeling safe. I don't know if it was the years of bullying I endured as a child that didn't look exactly like everyone else, or being raised by paranoid parents who demanded all doors and windows be locked or someone could "get" us, but something in my past has caused me to spend most of my time not feeling safe. I must always have doors locked while riding in the car, I triple check after using the stove to make sure I did indeed turn it off, etc. The best thing I've found to make that paranoid feeling go away is being in Little Space with my Daddy. He cuddles me, disciplines me, and keeps me safe and that helps me cope when adulting because I know he will be there to keep me safe and sound.
- It helps your self-esteem. One of the main symptoms of depression and anxiety is low self-esteem. These illnesses falsely fill your head with negative thoughts about yourself, making you feel ugly and unworthy of love. For me, Little Space takes all that away. When I'm Little, I am super confident and bratty, and I feel adorable because I know how cute I can be when I have a paci in and I giggle. I feel like I can do and be anything, and I usually am able to carry that feeling back into the adulty world with me, even though sometimes it is fairly brief.
In conclusion, I believe that Little Space helps immensely my with mental illness and I hope that is the same for all of you out there that are fighting what I call brain gremlins on a daily basis. The positives far outweigh the negatives, and I am thankful every day that I have discovered this community because, in all honesty, I'm not sure I would be here right now if I hadn't found it and the Lil' Meremere inside of me.
